On March 29th, 2009, I
found myself on my knees on a motel floor, praying for God to give me the
strength and endurance to overcome the shakes and pain of detoxification. I
prayed for some reprieve from the mental torment and barely survived the 14 hours of terror inflicted by my abusive
husband. He was going to kill me that night. I wasn't sure if it was the meth or if it was his own rage that had finally snapped. "I'm going to slit you from your cunt to your neck, you lousy whore," he growled in my ear as he held a box knife to my neck. He had me convinced I was going to die. Rug burns formed on my elbows as I struggled loose from a submissive head lock. I got a hold of his phone and dialed 911. By the time the police got to the house, he lay in the bedroom pretending to be asleep and demanding me to keep my mouth shut and answer the door. I did what he said, although the police sensed I was covering up for my husband again, they asked me to leave for the night. I was so grateful to be put in that cop car and taken away from the madness, but so afraid of the "unknown tomorrow".
I was at a bottom after over 15 years of using, abusing, and being abused.
When reality sank in and I realized I could not maintain sanity on my own, I
became desperate for help. With no bible in the motel room, I opened the
phonebook and began looking for an answer.
Where would I go? How would I get
there? Where the hell was I and how did I get here? I bit my lip and picked up
the 500 pound phone. My voice trembled and my hand shook as I explained the
events of the previous evening and my life to a crisis counselor. The man on
the phone convinced me to takes things one step a time and to only do what I
was capable of today. For the next 2 days, that man and another counselor urged
me on as my life was unraveling and the reality of it all came crashing in. At
first, it seemed as if everyone I met had something to give me for my journey.
I kept my eyes peeled and my heart open for the answers.
My heart led me into a domestic
violence shelter on April 3rd. After some intense night terrors and
three weeks of eating, sleeping, and taking things easy, I found strength was
returning to me. The women at the shelter encouraged me to keep looking
forward. They gave me back the dignity I had lost over the years. I finally
felt safe and was able to begin my journey toward healing and finding who Sara
was again. I was given another chance at life.
My journey began and life seemed
bearable again. I was able to that a life without dignity and hope was what got
me to where I was that March evening. The strength that I prayed for had been
buried beneath the guilt and shame of my mistakes, but was always within me. I
was so blinded by pain and self-pity until I received the message of hope from
the shelters.
By June, I was smiling again. The
sparkle had returned to my eye and the pink to my cheek. Thought I was working
hard to rebuild my own life, I began volunteering a few hours at a local
homeless shelter. The director was familiar with my story and soon offered me a
position with the shelter that would give me the opportunity to be of service
while not forgetting where I came from. I thought this would give the chance to
share with others the obstacles I had encountered as I emerged from the darkness
of spousal abuse and addiction. I wanted to offer some insight on how we could
improve the system that is ultimately failing.
I believe that you cannot keep what
you have without giving it away. Everything we freely receive, whether it is
advice or a toothbrush, is a gift given to us selflessly. The selfless act of
volunteerism and service reinforces this simple, yet powerful idea of giving back.
Being of service to others is my way of remembering where I came from and
returning the gifts that were so generously given to me: hope, dignity, and
freedom.
Without service and volunteerism
from individuals that have a deep, personal relationship to the cause and
mission of a service, that service cannot reach its full potential. I suggest
that you find what you can give freely and without selfish, self-seeking
motives. By examining you motives you can often find direction and inspiration.
I found this through being of service to others, but more importantly- I found
myself.
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