Mount Mayon: A Journey Back to Myself. by Sara Mayon del Rosario

I'm tired of being afraid. I've used many methods to protect myself over the years, but they only caused me more harm. I try to walk a straight line then I catch myself falling on my face. It hurts to see that I have be the stumbling fool for so long. I'm so scared to be vulnerable, but more afraid to be alone with no one to pick me up. I got to salvage what I still have and accept it as it is after all the wreckage I played a part in. I am so grateful for God giving me so many chances. Don't know why he does. He must love me.

I have found that I truly am a strong individual. I have stood by my word in the midst of chaos and dishonor. I have sacraficed my comfortable life for one that forces me to live humbly and with a daily dose of humility. It is this humility that allows me to remain teachable and open to the world and the direction that God wants me to travel in. It has been over a year since I embarked on this journey and a year that I will never dismiss as the most challenging, enlightening, and fulfilling as it was saddening. I feel a little more at peace even with my uncertainties, for I know that God has a great plan for me and my children.

Guillian-Barre Syndrome- A New Chapter

On Wednesday 9 Mar 2010 I was diagnosed with guillian-Barre Syndrome an autoimmune disease that attacks my nervous system. A rare disorder after an awful case of Scarlet Fever that has left me hospitalized and asking myself, with no intention of jinxing myself, "What next, God?"
Each passing day is scary for me and crucial with GBS. It progressively gets worse and eventually will leave a patient paralyzed and in need of respiratory assistance. I want to catalog each day and my experience with it so that we can all understand what this disorder is and possibly give us some insight and hope toward recovery.

14 March 2010- (400 am) Spring Forward! Awoke from strange dream. 3 hours sleep. Respiratory specialist came in to do peak flow. Numbers are steadily decreasing. This measures my lung capacity. two days ago it was 3.96 and yesterday 3.34 now this morning 2.91. This could be a sign of decreased lung function or maybe I was just tired. Next my feet began to burn and itch. trying to figure that one out with the nurse. I'm her first case of this as am I with the other workers here, but we decided we'll "walk" through this together as we learn through this experience. So she's looking it up to see if there's any connection. One nurse read from some paper as I was getting my immuniglobin treatment (3 down of 5 day treatment) and mentioned something about itching and at the time I didn't have any. Anyway, I'll ask the doctor today for sure and tell the nurse tonight. We're hoping it means some feeling is coming back! But then there is my blood pressure. Another thing that will go as this progresses over the next week to 4 weeks. It fluctuates, but this morning it read 91 over 64. This of course was a second reading because my first was 89 over 59 or something like that. I saw it. I did I did. No alarm but really I see so many signs of progression that it scares me. Prayer and meditation may help. I just want it to stop. Its almost 5 am now and I think I will rest.

Jose Rizal: Ink and Influence

Jose Rizal: Ink and Influence

by Sara Mayon del Rosario

When a man’s character, beliefs, or virtues, whether learned or intuitive, are challenged, an opportunity to act is presented. Many factors will contribute to whether or not this man will act. How a man will act and if the conflict against his character is substantial enough to be considered an “act of heroism” becomes a decision not only of his head, but that of his heart. José Rizal was a man whose beliefs, virtues, and nation were challenged to the extent where, despite the odds, he acted with selfless social responsibility to protect his nation from the inhumanities and injustices inflicted during the Spanish rule of the Philippines. His great contributions, activism, and inspirations prior to, during, and after the Philippine Revolution define heroism in its most pure and essential form.

            Jose Rizal was born in Calamba, Laguna Province, Philippines, on June 19, 1861. He was born to a family that found success in the agriculture of the land, specifically the business of sugar planting. Rizal’s family, especially his mother, Teodora, a woman of great stature and character, taught Jose the value of education and acquired skill from a young age. Rizal’s success would be ultimately measured by his commitment to educating himself and acquiring skills that would set the table for the powerful reformist and activist he would become.

            In 1869, Rizal set out to Binan to attend school. It became apparent that his intellect and potential far exceeded most of the other pupils’ and this created animosity and resentfulness toward the young Rizal. He excelled in his studies and caught on to Latin and the Spanish language quickly. This impressed his professors. Because of this, he didn’t make friends as well as expected in Binan and often found himself in fights with other classmates. No one could recall Rizal ever backing down from a fight.

            As the nine year old continued his studies in Binan, he had the opportunity to accompany his cousin’s father-in-law, a master painter, in his spare time. Rizal gained more than just the craft of painting. His mentor was very methodical and regulated in his daily habits. Rizal was learning the importance of perseverance and commitment and at the same time, through art, he found beauty and respect for nature and life.

It became apparent to Rizal why his mother was adamant about the pursuit of education as his studies in Binan came to an end. He traveled to Paris and Madrid and furthered his education receiving a doctorate in medicine and letter. It was while in Madrid, that Rizal began to develop an even deeper understanding of human nature, ethics, and natural law. Social conditions existed in the Philippines after the conquest by Spain, with agriculture, commerce, communications and the lack of formal education for the Filipinos. Based upon Rizal’s concepts of moral rightness, his understanding of justice contradicted Spain’s tyrannical oppressive laws and their disregard for the Filipino’s basic human rights. Hiding under the cloak of ministry, even the friars and priests were taking advantage of his people’s ignorance and superstitions of the Catholic religion. Noli me Tangerene, Rizal’s first novel, would be his genius exposition of the oppressive state of desperation his native Filipinos were living in. As expected, his book was banned in the Philippines.

Social and political awareness transitions into responsibility when a man possesses the tools to act or speak out. Political courage can only come into play when such action, heroism then might imply a deeper application of such principles and actions. Must a hero act with the intention of practicing these principles of courage, bravery and nobility or are they intuitively ingrained in an individual’s soul? One common definition of a hero cites “Greatness of soul…” Ralph Waldo Emerson states in his Essay VIII: Heroism, “Heroism is [an] obedience to a secret impulse of an individual’s character.” The common denominator would arguably be that for one to act heroically, they would do so in a manner that was essentially instinctual.

 Jason Scorza states in his article “The Ambivalence of Political Courage”, “When thinking in this manner an individual situates oneself in the complex social problems and controversial public ethical questions that confront one’s society and tries to discern whether or not these problems and questions convey upon oneself a person’s responsibility to act or speak.” A hero acts without a consciousness of any status he may gain. He does not act for the glory or the fame. He acts because it is against his nature not to act.

            Motivated by the visions of suffering and brutality toward the Filipino women, children and elderly, Rizal felt it was his duty to become an activist and reformist; to speak for the people whose own language, Tagalog, was being stripped of them. Rizal would later remark that “while a people preserve its languages; it preserves the marks of liberty.” Pressing for reform through his writings, his pen would inspire his people and arouse a spirit of nationality throughout the Philippines. His rhetorical attacks on the Spanish government and the Catholic Church became his “death warrant”, but still spoke to the hearts of his people.

In his articles he wrote for the newspaper La Solidaridad, he defended the Filipino heritage and culture, shed light on the union of church and state, and exposed the Spanish abuse of power, slavery and forced military service. El Filibusterismo, his sequel to Noli, reflected the enduring sufferings and inhumanities of the native people under Spanish domination and the abuses of the friars and priests. He verified what his people had felt for over 300 years; the Filipino culture and heritage were being eroded away as were their liberties and freedoms of speech, expression, and religion.   

As the awareness of a corrupt political system spread throughout the land, a society was forming behind closed doors. Though Rizal believed that reform could occur without the use of violence, others believed a violent revolution was inevitable.  An attempt to create a nonviolent reformist society failed with his arrest in 1892 after founding La Liga Filipina (Philippine League). Rizal’s presence in the Philippines threatened the survival of the Spanish and the Catholic churches domination therefore he was exiled for four years to Dapitan, Mindanao, in July 1892.

            During his years in exile, Rizal’s commitment and determination to bringing hope, humanity and self-love never ceased. He continued writing and practicing medicine with the degrees he had obtained while in Madrid. Even Dapitan, his exile, would benefit from a school and city improvements inspired by Rizal in these trialing days. His seclusion from his homeland and fellow countryman could not prevent the change and progress that had already been set in motion. A movement was inevitable and unavoidable despite Spain’s elusive attempts to keep the people of the Philippines ignorant from the truth.

            In 1896, an attack against Spain was launched by the Katipunan, a nationalist secret society. Spain insisted that Rizal was the mastermind for this revolution and he was returned to Manila to stand trial for treason and conspiracy. Though Spain could not find any concrete affiliation with the Katipunan, Jose Rizal was still found guilty and sentenced to execution by a firing squad on December 30, 1896. His last influence of ink was a poem written on the day of his public execution and entitled “Mi Ultimo Adios” (My Last Farewell). This would be the last of his 35 poems he wrote during the 35 years of his life.

History will hold Jose Rizal as a hero. Martyrdom became his legacy. When his beliefs were challenged, he stood up despite the consequences; not with a sword, nor a pistol, but with his pen and ink to meet his adversary. In Jose Rizal’s own words:

“With the head and the heart, we ought to work always; the arm when the time comes when physical strength is needed. The principal tool of the heart and the head is the pen; others the brush; others the chisel. On my part, I prefer the pen.”

The Moth: a poem by Sara del Rosario

The Moth

 

Pale, withering and frail

the moth moves about the darkness without purpose

not a moment is given to this annoyance of the night

the moth rarely looks closely at its wing

it cannot bear what it lacks in itself

it has lost its interest in all other things

a flicker of light flashes in the distance

in that instant a subtle hue falls upon her wing

curiously drawn to its source

an inspiration of direction overcomes her confused flight

the moth accepts that the Light is good

she can feel the strength in her wing

the moth embraces the brilliance of her colors

she examines herself with humble admiration

her Beauty, Strength, and Greatness

undetected in the Darkness

the Light of her true self beams

the moth had always been a Butterfly

 

- Sara Mayon del Rosario

Service despite our suffering: The Selfless Act of Giving Back

            On March 29^th, 2009, I found myself on my knees on a motel floor, praying for God to give me the strength and endurance to overcome the shakes and pain of detoxification. I prayed for some reprieve from the mental torment and barely survived the 14 hours of terror inflicted by my abusive husband. He was going to kill me that night. I wasn't sure if it was the meth or if it was his own rage that had finally snapped. "I'm going to slit you from your cunt to your neck, you lousy whore," he growled in my ear as he held a box knife to my neck. He had me convinced I was going to die. Rug burns formed on my elbows as I struggled loose from a submissive head lock. I got a hold of his phone and dialed 911. By the time the police got to the house, he lay in the bedroom pretending to be asleep and demanding me to keep my mouth shut and answer the door. I did what he said, although the police sensed I was covering up for my husband again, they asked me to leave for the night. I was so grateful to be put in that cop car and taken away from the madness, but so afraid of the "unknown tomorrow".

    I was at a bottom after over 15 years of using, abusing, and being abused. When reality sank in and I realized I could not maintain sanity on my own, I became desperate for help. With no bible in the motel room, I opened the phonebook and began looking for an answer.

            Where would I go? How would I get there? Where the hell was I and how did I get here? I bit my lip and picked up the 500 pound phone. My voice trembled and my hand shook as I explained the events of the previous evening and my life to a crisis counselor. The man on the phone convinced me to takes things one step a time and to only do what I was capable of today. For the next 2 days, that man and another counselor urged me on as my life was unraveling and the reality of it all came crashing in. At first, it seemed as if everyone I met had something to give me for my journey. I kept my eyes peeled and my heart open for the answers.

            My heart led me into a domestic violence shelter on April 3^rd. After some intense night terrors and three weeks of eating, sleeping, and taking things easy, I found strength was returning to me. The women at the shelter encouraged me to keep looking forward. They gave me back the dignity I had lost over the years. I finally felt safe and was able to begin my journey toward healing and finding who Sara was again. I was given another chance at life.

            My journey began and life seemed bearable again. I was able to that a life without dignity and hope was what got me to where I was that March evening. The strength that I prayed for had been buried beneath the guilt and shame of my mistakes, but was always within me. I was so blinded by pain and self-pity until I received the message of hope from the shelters.

            By June, I was smiling again. The sparkle had returned to my eye and the pink to my cheek. Thought I was working hard to rebuild my own life, I began volunteering a few hours at a local homeless shelter. The director was familiar with my story and soon offered me a position with the shelter that would give me the opportunity to be of service while not forgetting where I came from. I thought this would give the chance to share with others the obstacles I had encountered as I emerged from the darkness of spousal abuse and addiction. I wanted to offer some insight on how we could improve the system that is ultimately failing.

            I believe that you cannot keep what you have without giving it away. Everything we freely receive, whether it is advice or a toothbrush, is a gift given to us selflessly. The selfless act of volunteerism and service reinforces this simple, yet powerful idea of giving back. Being of service to others is my way of remembering where I came from and returning the gifts that were so generously given to me: hope, dignity, and freedom.

            Without service and volunteerism from individuals that have a deep, personal relationship to the cause and mission of a service, that service cannot reach its full potential. I suggest that you find what you can give freely and without selfish, self-seeking motives. By examining you motives you can often find direction and inspiration. I found this through being of service to others, but more importantly- I found myself.

Mount Mayon: A Journey Back to Myself. by Sara Mayon del Rosario

via saradelrosario.typepad.com

Mount Mayon, Philippines.

My parents named me after this volcano. I find strength and beauty in its purest form here. Because of this, I can look back at where I came from and have direction and inspiration towards where I am going. I often ignored my Filipino heritage, but today I find that it is an essential part of me and has brought me closer to my true self in the past few weeks. This volcano is part of who I am... and where I am going.

When a man’s character, beliefs, or virtues, whether learned or intuitive, are challenged, an opportunity to act is presented. Many factors will contribute to whether or not this man will act. How a man will act and if the conflict against his character is substantial enough to be considered an “act of heroism” becomes a decision not only of his head, but that of his heart. - "Ink and Influence" Sara del Rosario, 2010